Complicated!

Quite some times ago, I think I heard (again, somehow my memory seems very weak at recalling) the highest-ranked person in the government once said that the government servants should not blame each other for any weakness they encountered. That time, every one nodded their head as a sign of agreement. That was the time before I joined the government sector, I think. Then, in 2007, I stepped into the world of "government servants" as an educator (but as an untrained). I assumed that the working atmosphere would be something that I imagined; every one worked close to each other, supporting and looking at every one's back. It was like that during the first 2 years.

But lately, blame games, inter-department or inter-ministry blame seems really popular among government servants. I think the subject is just too immense to be discussed here. Let's narrow down the subject: intra-department or intra-ministry blame. This means, people who are working under "the same roof", having the same boss, serving the same people and doing the same thing are having out with each other. It is just complicated. I can't understand how this could happen. I narrow it down to those who works under the wing of the Ministry of Education.

There's one person who happen to lead a good life with his own way. Maybe he is too comfort with his own way, he didn't see how others are doing. I've read some of his comments online regarding teaching profession (well, he is also a teacher, apparently). I admit that he is good in teaching his own children with his own methodologies. Maybe because of his home-bounded successes, he refuse to look at others. His refusal led him to give out arrogant and sometimes immature comments, hence took control of his thoughts, assuming there's no other better people than his own family. Sometimes, he even causes stirs.

Judging by his comments, I made a hypothesis (mind you, a hypothesis isn't a conclusion) telling that this guy haven't gone out of his comfort zone. He always claim that he achieved various successes with his methods. Whilst he is good, why don't he shift his running gear and help others who seem frail and stutter while he still can? But all he did was blaming, where blaming, for me, never solve a problem. For me, if you feel that you're good enough, the gravest mistake that you commit is to keep the goodness only to yourself. It is rather an ethic misconduct than a sin.

I admit that I am not good enough as him, as I have never tested my own methods on my own kids, because I haven't had even one. But I actually want to meet this guy in person in order to make him share a thing or two. Maybe I could adopt and adapt his methodologies into my practice wherever I see fit. But based on my hypothesis, this guy seems reluctant to share, where teachers are encouraged to share good things between each other for the betterment of their practice, and also for the sake of the students. Maybe he feels that he is sharing, but with his own way.

Man was created to be a very flexible creature for their own survival. For me, I would suggest that he be flexible for his own good, and also for the good of others. Make a step back to gain two steps forward. He needs to alter his ego, be less egocentric.

May he read my posting. May he take this as a call for a change. May I can be as good as him. May I become less egocentric.

Unleaded...

Another weekend is passing by. A weekend supposed to be the time to take some rests out of work. But that is almost impossible for me to do - resting properly.

I am not a workaholic that spend the day working like there's no tomorrow. My body isn't as strong as 10 years ago. A friend of mine verbally confirmed that I am contracted with migraine, but still in the early stage. I met him two nights ago, and told him the symptoms that I have been enduring in these 3 weeks. Though he isn't a doctor, he is a medical assistant in local hospital, and he has decent knowledge about symptoms of various common diseases. He also told me to skip caffeine-related drinks.

For a matter of time, I have to give up my favourite black coffee, as it contains an inconsiderable amount of caffeine that might worsen my migraine. If it concerns my health, then I have to leave it for a while.

For the next 10 weeks, I consider the situation will not be helpful. There will be insufficient resting hour, unbalanced diet and unhealthy lifestyle, due to the training course that I take to acquire a teaching license.

Those who read this writing, I hope you will not be like me. You have to lead not only a healthy lifestyle, but also a healthy mind and soul. I'm sure you'll be able to get through almost everything if you keep the 3 important things of your body healthy: the body, the heart and the mind.

Counselling Service

It's Saturday, and as usual, my classmates and I are having a class. It's a session for Pedagogy, and it's for the whole day. We are learning about giving counseling services to our school children.

This session, basically, is a coherence from the previous session, in which basic principles of counseling were introduced to us. At that time, it was simple and understandable. But now, it has moved to another dimension, in which various skills of counseling are also covered. I realised now that counseling is no child's play. It's a very tricky business that needs sharpened skills and gifted communication talents to deal with. So, in easy words, it's an art to deal with people in a very good and convincing manner.

I'm looking forward to applying this newly-acquired knowledge and skill on my school kids. I found that I have a lot of loopholes in my way of dealing with them. As I said in my previous postings, I'm not a good person. Thus, I have a lot of weaknesses that have to improve. And that's what a human should do, continuously improvising themselves in order to become a better servant of God.

To all my classmates, and lecturers too, I can't find any word to thank. Your contributions to me are priceless and nowhere to be found easily.

There's A Silver Line In The Cloud

In this wee hour, I suddenly awoke. Unable to shut my eyes for another dream, my mind started to roll back and forth. Thinking the things I should, and also, shouldn't think. I turned my laptop on, searched for an online radio station, and finally found one local radio station. I started to linger around the songs played online.

But for some reasons, songs that always calm me down, seemed to have lost their abilities. I shut down the online radio, and went on to take a stare outside the house. It was 3.45 a.m. I didn't realise that it was raining just now. Judging by the heat that still remains, and how the wetness in my veranda is starting to fade, I knew it was only a passing-by rain. And what is left is just the hope that it would rain again. What a poor hope.

It would be no shine if it was no rain. There was no joy if there was no pain. I tried my hardest not to favour only towards positives, whereas I should consider negatives also. My life has been at ease all this time that I failed to prepare for negatives. When it struck down my spine, it left me with enormous regrets that pushed me down the wheel. Though it never drove me off the wall, I curse my mistakes every now and then.

Of course, there's a light at the end of a tunnel. But we have to get to it, although we have to walk on our thighs. What matters is the effort we make to make it to the light. I've been at the bottom of the wheel on numerous occasion, but it looks like this is the hardest for me to raise again from the dust. It feels like I was crucified tightly on the ground that I won't be able to free myself without any help from someone. It might take a number of people and a number of efforts to set me free.

Some people stare at me, griming, and just leave. Some people sit beside me, but do nothing because they know how complicated the tie that strangled my body. I don't blame them all, not at all. They have nothing to do with my situation as they completely have no mistake. All I can do is just waiting for someone to step forward, helping me to set myself free. At the same time, I hope there will be nobody who will put the nail in the coffin. When it happens, all hopes would scatter all over and turn from glass to sand of dust.

There's no harm in hoping. There's always hope for every uncertainty. There's always a silver line in the cloud.

Part Of Me

I never realised that I have changed. Until someone clang to me sometime ago, and said that I have changed. She left me with a big question mark inside my head...Changed into what? Maybe some of me have changed, and she just happened to notice them, but she never mentioned which part.

I am still what I am what I used to be, and I assume that she never knew me thoroughly in the first place, in which made she said that. Or maybe I did change, but I myself never noticed that.

Of course, people will change over the time. Someone is no longer a playful one like he or she used to be. Someone is no longer difficult. Someone is no longer stupid or ignorant. Those who never changed are wasting their lifetime.

Why change? Some said it's because the world changes. What world? Some said it's because the new era we're in. New era? While some said it's simply the law of nature. I would agree to the third opinion. I would rather say 'evolve' than 'change'.

For animals, they evolve just to fit into the current surroundings that they're in, for survival, basically. For human, it's more than to survive. It's more like the betterment of the quality of our life. It's just wasting if we stay on the same paradigm, or in other word, 'comfort zone'. Life will never be lived without changes. Of course there would be some wrong decisions made along the way. Human and mistakes are linked to each other. Mistakes are part and parcel of life. Nobody is perfect after all.

The parts that never changed in my life are my name and my family. The rest, you see for yourself, because I have no intention on assessing myself as it may be biased. All I can do is keep improving, keep learning and keep my head as low as I could.

Parts of me are better than anyone else, but parts of me also are worse than anyone else. Don't tell me I'm good or anything as if I would care. There are more people who are way better ahead of me out there. I'm just a servant of God, and just like everyone else on the street. No better. Worse, maybe.

What Goes Around Comes Around

Another word of wisdom came crossing my mind. I was surfing my Facebook account (and completing a test question at the same time) when I encountered something pretty much I consider disturbing, though not onto myself.

Her (based on her name and postings, so I quickly jump into conclusion that the user is a female) postings seemed to be very unprofessional. I would like to conclude that she isn't a professional too. Trained professionals, for me, will behave professionally. In my previous post (in this blog, not on Facebook), I wrote how wonder I am when seeing professionals behave immaturely. And just now I came across a same case.

Life is like a circle. I still remember (I'm sorry, sometimes I have bad short term memories. Ugh...I've become old now) I wrote that human will get back the things they gave to others. There's a Tamil proverb said: Don't do bad things to others because others will do bad things twice as bad onto you. And it goes the other way around if you do good things. To simplify: You'll get back what you did. Another word: You reap what you sow.

Sometimes we never realised that we are indeed right or wrong. Because we do things that we deemed right. We criticise, we destroy, we fight, we do this, we do that, we do everything. Then someone come up and tell us that we did wrong. For everyone, we will be taken aback by the telling. And there's a fine line between pros and so-called "pros". Pros will never respond harshly (or ironically) and will start to look at themselves and reflect - what have I done? Which they ought to do all the time.

So-called "pros" will start to act like they did nothing wrong and respond with various example of wrongdoings and comparing themselves with the examples. Then they start to belittle others. They also say 'They did it before and nobody talked about it, so why couldn't I?' Then they gained such a popularity for the things that they've done, because more and more people jump in and talk about their action. Which is a cheap way to become popular.

Hey, so-called "pros". Before you think you are outrageous, think that there are more wiser people than you. Before you think you are marvelous, think that there are a lot of better people out there. Before you think you are "professional", think that there are more professionals walking before you.

The Purposes of Writing

A cousin of mine once asked me, what is the purpose of having a blog?

"It is for the sake of writing". That was my answer.

I have come across a lot of blogs since I happened to have a blog of my own. There are a lot of writing purposes. To share (thoughts whatsoever), to care and no less to cause bizarre. Those days, people wrote in their own diaries or journals. Those days everything was kept almost in secret.

Now that this electronic and within-a-fingertips-touch journal a.k.a blog is available (and with various provider too), people start to share their then-were-all-secrets thoughts. I remembered my late grandpa wrote in his diary so much I didn't know what he was writing (the diary was burnt as per his request in his will). Maybe he had some thoughts or things he didn't feel like sharing it.

Nowadays this blog is used for various purposes (as I stated above). Some want to share their feelings, turned their blog into diaries (even for things they shouldn't share at all), to share their care or to throw tantrums to some parties. I reflect deeply to my own thought, had they ever thought about the consequences of their writing (regardless of purposes) to others and also themselves, because of their claims and shouts?

Let me tell things straight here. What comes out from our mouth (or in this case, "fingers" for blogging) could be considered as the main reason we live in mutual peace. But that is only applicable for mutual postings. What if the posts are offensive and full of evil thoughts? Those will be the main spark for a war that will last for a string of generations. What is the reward for telling those offensive thoughts? The government will put you high up on the throne?

Suddenly, the words "swallow, though it will burn you" come crossing my mind. I must admit that "burning" ourselves alone rather than putting everyone else joining the tray (I mean "tray", not "fray") is better.

Now, I am reminiscing the moment my late grandpa called me on one fine evening (I was 5 or 6 that time). He patted my shoulder though I was sweating all over after having a shirtless run-around with my brother. I thought he would scream me for running around shirtless. But man, I was wrong after the pat. He said, "If you have something good that would benefit everyone, share with them. But if you find something bad about something, don't go tell everyone about it. Only tell the ones who should deal with it..." I didn't understand the words he said. But after being a grown-up, I found it clear what did he mean.

Wandering In Wonder

March is ending and I have a lot of things to do actually. But I pretend like there is none at all. I would like to take a break this weekend. "Would like". That is my intention. But "would like" shows no affirmation.

I thought next week will be a relaxing week. That was just a thought because next week is just like another tough week. I've got a handful of tasks with me now, and it shows no sign of declining. But compounding...yes.

I'm going to face some tough times this year. Some things will be taken away, gone and lost along this year. To think that we have an exact ownership over a thing is totally a mistake. None of everything we have now is exactly ours. I remember I told this to a friend of mine, and also wrote it in this very blog. Now it is coming to me. I'm trying to put my feet in my friend's shoes, in which she lost a thing that she love most. At that moment, I felt nothing and thought I completely understood her situation. But now I'm experiencing it, and I mistakenly thought I would be strong. But hell, I'm not as strong as I wished. Like people said; it's easier to talk.

This is a test, and tests never cease to make people suffer. There's a silver line in the sky. May I be stronger after this.

Never In My Life...

...would I have my tears streaming down my own face for someone I didn't even know. But a small girl named Safiya Humaira made it. I wish her to live blissfully in the other world that we have never been. The cruel story of her life awakened my own self not to simply bursting my rage towards anyone.

Only 3 years old (was going to 4), she endured a major physical torture for almost her whole life. Just because she wasn't wanted to live on this holy world by someone, it wasn't a reason for her to be removed in an animal-like situation.

My fingers are shaking, my mind can't think for words to describe the culprit, and the tears are still overflowing through my face. The cuteness of her face managed to touch the soft side of mine. The cruel story of her life stung deep in my heart, causing it to burst and melt. I can't imagine her agony of being physically tortured, and her strength to hang on there for more than a year agonised myself.

The man who made her life ended like that should be hang to death. Adik Syafia's agony should be returned to him.

I can't write anymore...The tears will flow more and more if I continue.

Al-Fatihah to Adik Syafia Humaira. May she be put among the blessed soul.

Human Dependency to Tech and Machines

It has been 10 years since we entered the era of new millennium. We've seen a lot of developments in recent years. And destruction, so it seems. In my previous post, I wrote about why must human be lazy. This post, I'm gonna write about something that linked to the laziness.

Pardon my bad English. Though I teach people English, I still consider myself in learning process. English is my 3 rd language actually, standing behind my Malaysian (as mother tongue) and Javanese (culturally inherited, I'm basically a Javanese Malaysian comes from a Javanese cultural-based family).

The moment when human found fuel, they have become addicted to it ever since. When Henry Ford invented car, today, there are trillions of it on the road across the globe. When computer comes to life some times ago, it has been an important "friend" (friendly, also) to every single human on the earth nowadays. When internet emerged in the world of digital, it has created a phenomenon throughout the globe.

Ever since the very first technology and machine introduced to the world, human has become so addicted to them. Imagine the world today without technologies and machines. That shows our strong and tight dependency to techs and machines. We can't even live without either one of them. In fact, they made what our life now is.

What we can see now is our interactions with techs machines have become so essential and take a large part of our daily life, in which interactions rate between human is making very little decrement. We have become a tech-and-machine-addict generation, just like how drug addicts addicted to drugs.

Why Must Be Lazy?

Humans are basically lazy. I myself am a lazy person. I'm not telling you are lazy, but I maybe right. You are lazy too.

Something should be done by this laziness. Laziness will always comes first before everything. Only our willingness that drive us away from being trapped by laziness. There is no specific solution for laziness, whereas laziness actually is a mindset that can never be thrown away. Just like fear.

When we see a hardworking person, he/she is actually being driven by his/her willing, in which the willing comes from motivations; extrinsic, intrinsic, positive, negative or by each and every one of them. Or by fear itself.

Laziness comes when we are given a problem to solve. It's a matter of choice. Do it, or not at all. If we do it, then the problem will be solved. If not, the problem will still be there without nobody to deal with it. Solving problem involves thinking. This is the core of laziness: thinking. Thinking is the only thing that moves humans around. If humans think, they move. Otherwise, they don't.

Why must be lazy? Some said there are many factors. But for me, there is only one. Because people don't want to think. People who don't want to think are called "Ignorant" (whereas "stupid" is too harsh). They simply don't care what are happening around.

There's one issue: what happen to a will when a body can't go along with the will? Easy. Human body will collapse. Humans will fall asleep, they will take a nap. But what about a long sleep? That is subjective. Some people have their mind and body collapse at the same time. Resting the mind is different with resting the body. Body is a system where muscles are joint together with bones. Mind is a brain, where it controls itself and also body system. Imagine how hard our mind is working. Some people just want to extend their rest, in which resulted an over-rested system. Over-rested system will take a longer time to warm up and of course, longer time to pick up. Then humans will lag, and laziness comes striking our will.

Helping a human in curing his/her laziness needs a hell of a time. Laziness won't go away easily. Motivations should come along, to the client and also to the motivator. I am actually trying to help myself and also some pupils of mine to keep up the motivation to learn Mathematics. Since Mathematics is essential to the pupils, I found Maths is also important to me. The problem here is, how to put out these pupils' laziness? They simply don't want to think a solution for each problem given to them. Instead, they are relying 10000% (I mean "one thousand") on me to solve the problems. If I was helping them 10000%, then I am ruining them. They will keep their laziness at bay, and always hoping that there will be a person who pick their hands to walk along their life. Most Malaysian children are experiencing this I'm sure. I fear that their future will be tainted by "answers" only, rather than "how we could come to the conclusion".

They Come In Pairs

Every time we deal with a thing we have the tendency to look at the positive side of the thing. Why? Because the positives always please you and make your life easier and happier. But there's negative side that comes along with the positive and please don't forget it. There's often a catch behind a simple thing, and there's sometimes a reward behind a difficult thing.

Every single thing in the world comes in pairs -- that includes human being. When there's good thing, bad thing will always tag along it. If you tell me everything you find in your life is pleasing, you're a big, fat liar. You talk about the walk of your life that stepping on others' efforts. You never see someone who will walk over you some times later.

When positive comes, it needs negative to keep it alive. Just like a battery. Can you imagine a battery without negative? Am I amusing you with this example? Hold your laugh, and look at a battery first. Look at your right, then your left. Look at your food. Look at the earth. Look at every single creature that exists in this world.

When you cook something, what do you put inside the dish? Everything is sugar, or everything is salt? Will your cook taste as good as others' cook when all you use is sugar or salt? Never. So does our life. Our life won't be meaningful if we ALWAYS prefer positive. There's negative that you can't skip, where the negative actually checks and balances your life.

The God created everything in the world in pairs -- from male comes female, from good comes bad, from happiness comes sadness, from ruler comes opposition, from positive comes negative. We should never stand on one part of a thing that favours us, because it will eventually turn its back against us. Never blame the negative part of your life because one day it will turn out to be your saviour.

Don't let our 'favourite' positive eclipsing our 'hated' negative. Don't ever do that because it will influence your judgment towards a thing, causing you to be a paranoid. They meant to give you a tasteful life, or so. Bear in mind that the God created everything for a reason. That's why you are here in this world, for a reason.

Urgh...Tired

The moment I wrote this post I had already finished the class. Sitting on my chair head staring skyward and leg crossed and being put on another chair just to feel the let off of a week's burden. I took a deep breath followed by a long sigh. I wasn't aware how tired I was until the sigh was over. I wanted to take a nap but my eyes just couldn't close. I wanted to stand and take a walk but my mind told me not to. That's what we call laziness; when lactic acid conquered your muscle you still have some wills to go. But once it conquered your brain you'll discover a world of your own where nobody exists except you.

Been a long week, though t'was just 5 days passed by. I was so worked out and worn out that I hope Saturday will come after this minute. But one's tiredness never changes the time, neither forward nor backward.

One thing over another thing comes lurking around, comes into my book and stab and jab my body and wills. Those things are the thing that keep me moving. Actually they didn't move me at all, but I moved them around at my own pace. It seemed like they were too fast, but they actually hadn't even picked the 3rd gear. Maybe I stressed the 2nd gear they looked too fast in everyone's eyes. The way I drive things is totally different from the way people move things.

There come the works. I want to have my rest.

It's Been A Week...

...since the new year stepped into our path. A lot of good things happened in the first week, and I hope that this good week will continue its momentum up until the next 51 weeks. I'm trying to keep up my good mood, stay positive, be kind and helpful to others when I still can. I can't afford to see myself as the one who was in 2009. I'm trying not to cross the boundary that I've set between the new me and the old one.

For some reasons, there are some bad habits that I still bring along from past years. Kicking bad habits is hell of an effort. Not just efforts, but courage must be tagged along. I managed to kick a little bit part of them, and I feel pretty good with that.

I'm also trying to put out my addiction to internet. I found that being addicted to internet was one of my major problems. I always look at internet as a main source of knowledge, but I never looked into books. Recently, I bought 2 novels that brought me some taste into my boring life.

I always reverend my boring life that everyone sometimes ask me to seek a company. Naah, they could only talk, but they don't know how to deal with my boring life. Suggestions came a lot, and in simple. But how simple they come, is the same as the simple they gone, just like a soft wind passing by your face; it doesn't linger around you, never leaves a mark and is easy to be forgotten.

For this time being, I just want to focus on my career and how I progress during the current year. Don't worry, people. The time for me to have a company will come. And when the time comes, I'll cherish the moment as the most precious one.

:)